Fear

Fear is a powerful thing. It can cause you to lose focus. It's can persuade you into not following your dream or giving up on something. It can immobilize you into nothing. Make you feel like you are worthless.
As time passes you wonder if you will ever be able to see past it then it hits you. Fear is not of God. God is not a God who wants to feel His children with fear but with love. In Matthew chapter 6 Jesus tells us to not be anxious. He has this. He wants you/me to step back, look up and ask one simple question - "God what are you trying to show/teach me?" God will help you conquer the fear that immobilizes you but you have to be willing and trust Him in the storm.
I know I have fears - fears of losing family, friends, jobs - the list could go on. It is when my fears begin to over take me that I must run then - I must run as fast as I can to my Father. He is there wishing I wouldn't wait so long. "Why do you linger in your fear my child?" He seems to ask in His loving voice. No condemnation for me - no "I told you so" - just assurance and peace that everything will be ok. For as a child of God nothing and I mean nothing happens in your life outside of the hands of God. So when it hits, I am running - all of my fears and worries - I am running to Him, the Author and Finisher of my faith. The only One who knows my heartache and understands my fears. The One who can bring peace and assurance like no one else.

The Hand

When people look at this picture they would say they see me after having the twins. Reasonable for someone to say that but I see something totally different. I see the hand.

I see the hand that held me when I was young. The hand that held mine when I was scared or crossing the street. The hand that played catch with me for hours. The hand that taught me so many things. The hand that would rub my back in the mornings to wake me up before school. I see the hand of my hero, my Diddy.

I don't think it was until he was gone when it stood out in this picture to me. There is was - in the midst of both of families and the older two kids in the room - in all that excitement there stood my Diddy right beside me. Right beside me watching over his daughter and his new grandchildren. You can't see his face but I know that he had a huge smile and was bursting with pride over two more grandchildren.

I can remember the morning of that dreadful day in February when the doctors told us there was nothing else they could do, that all I wanted to do was hold his hand one more time. I wanted so badly for him to squeeze my hand just one more time and tell me he loved me. That hand that was so big and strong. That hand that when I saw it in this photo, brought me to tears. He was always looking out for us and this picture just shows that.

Today he would have been 76. I miss him just as much as I did when we left the hospital that day without him. I know that I will see him one day and be able to hold his hand again.